The She says, She says post series is an opportunity for us to evaluate thoughtful questions and respond by encouraging healthy discussion. It allows us to discover where we stand and perhaps develop a position on something we hadn’t thought of before. The identities of our opinionated bloggers are kept anonymous to avoid influencing anyone’s answers.
Today’s She Says, She Says topic is all about how to parent and was prompted by the devastating earthquake/tsunami/nuclear power plant explosion catastrophe that has been happening in Japan. The question is, “When tragedy strikes, how much do you discuss with your children”? Are there age limits associated with discussing death and hardship with children? If they are not affected directly by the tragedy, is it worth talking about?
One SITS Girl we interviewed says: “Every time I think about Japan’s recent crisis I get this sick feeling in my stomach, and an inability to articulate my feelings. When the earthquake in Haiti happened last year, I didn’t talk to my children about it. I just didn’t want to talk to them about hundreds of thousands of people that had died, been injured and had their lives effected by a natural disaster. It upset me too much. Now that my children are all in school and will hear about the devastation in Japan, I’ll have to decide whether or not to discuss the topic with them. I can shelter them from the news at home, but I can’t do the same at school, which raises a dilemma for me. Can I get away with not talking about it like I did last year and let the discussion happen at school? I just plain don’t want to address it. Even though I know I should.”
Another SITStah had this to say, “Parents absolutely need to talk with their kids when something of this caliber occurs, even if they seem too young, or the conversation might be emotionally challenging. Children need to know that sometimes bad things happen, no matter what preventative measures are taken. Children (even toddlers) should understand that sometimes people die, and sometimes they are left homeless and injured. It is scary, but a fact of life. A discussion about major events like this help ground children in reality and also gives them an opportunity to brainstorm about ways they can help those that are less fortunate.”
Let’s discuss!! Weigh in with your opinion in the comment section below! What are your thoughts? Where do you stand on how to parent?
My daughter (5) has been asking questions so I haven’t had much choice. We listen to CBC radio in the car and watch the news with our kids so she has heard the discussions, although not the video because I think it would scare her too much.
She asked what was happening and if the tsunami was coming here (we live on the west coast of Canada) We live on top of a mountain, so I could at least tell her there was no danger of that here. But we did discuss how we could be prepared if there was no power or water for a couple of days. We also donated some money to Japan and talked about it with her.
There is a fine line I think between giving children a dose of reality and letting them enjoy their childhood. When I was a young kid I think I saw too much on the possibility and repercussions of nuclear war and it scared me to the point that I had trouble sleeping and had trouble with anxiety.
So, I think we should talk to them about it, but in constructive ways that don’t scare the pants off them.
Theresa recently posted..There once was a house…
I have always been of the opinion of telling my kids about tragedies. I think that by not telling them and having them find out from other sources makes the whole situations scarier for kids. Being upfront and age appropriate for your kids is very important, it will help you build the level of trust you need as they get older. This is something I have seen happen over the years as my son has gotten older.
Tracy recently posted..Menu Plan Week of 3-7
Tracy I agree with you 100%!!
Toqua’s Crafts recently posted..Updated Babies
This is a tough question! On the one hand, I want to protect my kids from the worry and sadness that goes along with such tragedies. But on the other hand, if I shelter them from real word events then I’m not doing a very good job of preparing them to deal with life once they are adults. I try to strike a balance in what I discuss with my kids that includes a good amount of information and facts, but not in an overly dramatic or stress inducing way. I also try to minimize their exposure to television reporting about tragedies. When a tragedy is playing on the television 24/7 it’s easy for the kids to get engrossed in it. I prefer to show them pictures from the internet or newspaper that portray the event so that they can understand what’s going on, but not be consumed by it. Great question!
Polly recently posted..Five Days Without My Smart Phone
I think our children need to know that the world isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. I grew up facing challenges and difficulties most kids don’t face at an early age. It made me stronger, it made me tough, it helped me focus on the good things and appreciate what I have. I don’t think sheltering our children from all the things that are bad in the world is going to grow them into knowledgable and well rounded people. Besides…kids these days know more than we give them credit for. I would rather my son hear the TRUTH and what’s really going on from me, than from some kid on the playground with bits and pieces of things he caught from the TV or something. Great topic! Interested to see what the other mama’s have to say!
Courtney recently posted..Peace in His Hands
I agree. We let our kids know what is going on. IT is only fair.
My husbands family hid things and now he is afraid of the unknown.
That’s a hard topic to know exactly what to do… It’s good to keep them informed, but how much do they really need to know?
I think you can discuss anything with a child, so long as it’s at their age level. When I was 17, I baby-sat a little boy (age 5) twice a week. A couple of weeks after 9/11, I went about my normal routine, including baby-sitting. The little boy’s mother warned me ahead of time he was very confused about the events that had happened, although they had talked about it. She said it was my choice to talk about it if he borught it up. When the little boy did, I sat him down next to me and I asked him to tell me what he thought about what had happened. I let him speak, and if he had some misinformation (which was surprisingly very little) I corrected him. He was into superheroes at the time and I told him that there were real superheroes out there. I told him about firemen and police officers, keeping us up to date on events and keeping us safe. We also used his blocks and toys to talk about his feelings. Afterward, I saw he was relieved. Shortly after that, there was a Sesame Street special on about 9/11. He loved Sesame Street, so we watched that as well. Elmo was afarid about bulidings falling down. He was reassured by friends and family that they would do the best they could to keep him safe from harm.
I think it’s important to sugarcoat as little as possible with children. You can talk to them at almost any age about things like this, and it may help them see things clearer as well. Not talking about it gives them more anxiety. Because if you hide it, they feel a reason to be nervous.
Katie recently posted..26 days -
As a mom of young children, I can still screen what my kids know about large scale disasters by limiting exposure to news coverage.
But as a first grade teacher, I know that by the time my eldest is in school (she currently stays with my MIL while I am working), there has to be some discussion about current events, even if they make us feel sad or upset. I have seen many kids come to school and give misinformation about something they saw on the news. The kids on the receiving end either A) correct the misinformed child or B) look to me because they are unsure what it all means.
I do my best to reassure the kiddos and give a general explanation, but I really think as parents WE need to be our children’s primary information source. We need to not only provide the facts about what happened, but also how we can help and what we can do to stay safe (see Theresa’s post from above). Give the kids some power and it will help calm some of the fears they might experience after hearing about disasters or tragedies, whatever the scale.
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I think children need to be informed of tragedy, and the best people to do that are their parents because they know how much to share. My daughter has a tendency to take on tragedy and pain, so I spare her some of the gory details. At the same time, she knows I’ve been sad, and she has every right to know why. I believe that you need to know what you want to say before having the discussion. I’ve had a hard time wrapping my own brain around Japan, so I took my time to discuss it with her. It is naive to think she doesn’t hear about things outside my home–I cannot protect her from the darker realities of life. So, open and honest communication is my motto–but spoken with an understanding of her needs.
Lisa K. recently posted..What Happens Next
My kids are older, 18 and 21, so it is really not much of an issue anymore. But when we do discuss things, the conversations are more conversational! Like last night when my engineering major son, home from college, talked about the structure of a nuclear power plant.
Karen@WaistingTime recently posted..The Great Unsweetening
So you remember what it was like with kids on 9/11. My kids are 18, 20, 22. That was very difficult. And we homeschooled so we could have sheltered them more, but it was important for them to understand the gravity of the situation. And we prayed…
Bernice
Living the Balanced Life recently posted..Would starting a business help your work-life balance
I would talk to them about it, pray for the people affected, and perhaps find some tangible way to help them that my child could be involved in. A donation, including some money from his/her allowance, a gift of food, clothing, etc. Whatever worked best in that particular circumstance and with that particular child.
Beth recently posted..A Little Bit Green
I discuss the tragedies with my kids. This one is particularly relevant, as we’re a few miles from the San Andreas Fault in California. They know big earthquakes can happen, although fortunately that one isn’t going to cause a tsunami here, and can’t go quite as big as the Japan quake.
Tragedy is a part of life. Learning to cope is important. Besides, if you hide the sad parts of life from them you won’t get to see how magnificently some kids rise to the challenge. There was a kid on the local news, I forget the age, but probably mid elementary school age, who gave all his savings to the quake victims. How beautiful was that?
Stephanie – Home with the Kids recently posted..5 Tips to Make the Most of Being a Stay at Home Mom
I actually wrote about this on my blog today. ” How to talk to your children about disasters.” Although we don’t need to include all the details, it is important that we not ignore their questions and concerns. I also linked to a great post written earlier on how to deal with death and loss in your family. The loss of a loved one is the tragedy our children and families are faced with the most.
http://familyvolley.blogspot.com/2011/03/japan-how-to-talk-to-your-children.html
Heather Johnson recently posted..Japan- How To Talk To Your Children About Disasters
I think, like with most anything, we need to tell our children the truth consistent with their ability to understand. If they’re hearing about disasters, it’s much better for them to hear the truth from their parents and through the filters that their parents apply. I also think it’s important for parents to set the example of providing help, contributing to one of the charities, etc. Kids are never to young to learn that we are all citizens of the same earth.
Grams recently posted..LaRue Across America Book Review and Giveaway
I definitely think you should discuss it with your kids because they will hear about it from somewhere anyways. I would rather it come from me and me be the one to explain it to them instead of their peers who might not explain properly. It is also a great opportunity to teach kids about being concerned for others. Of course explanations should be age appropriate but even young children can then be involved in picking out items for donations or making a card or something.
Dafeenah recently posted..Alice Lost in Neverland
It’s kinda like talking about sex with your kids. You tell them the truth about what is going on in terms that are appropriate for their level. If they are seven, I don’t know that they need to know about nuclear reactors that are leaking…but, for sure, you can explain a tsunami and what that means for kids their age in Japan. I’m a firm believer in sharing the truth with kids. I believe it’s better to process things with them all along, then slam them with a lot all at once.
~Kristin
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I believe that only the parent knows what a child can handle. Should they be told? Yes, but in a way that they can deal with it. I know all too well, as September 11 is my Birthday. When that particular tragedy fell, my son was 5. He was in school, and the lower grades were not informed in school (which I am so grateful for), so I had the opportunity to lay it out in a level consistent with my son’s abilities to process, both intellectually and psychologically.
My 11 year old has always been my worrier. It’s next to impossible to shield him from everything, so instead, I have taken a “let’s learn about this” approach. In the process, he figures out that most of the time the scary news isn’t so close to us…and secondly, his heart is full of compassion for others.
Kimberly recently posted..Got Guilt
I don’t have children, so in all honesty my opinion means about nothing. BUT, having said that, my opinion is that the age of the child in question should depend on how much/what/in what manner said tragedy is discussed. I don’t think it’s ever too early for children to learn compassion and that we should help people who are victims of a disaster, but I think instead of focusing on the scary things with the very young, we should focus on how we’re glad for what we have and how we can help people who suddenly have less. Then again, when I have kids I could totally change my tune. I guess we’ll see!
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From a personal perspective, my toddler know that there is something called death, but she can’t comprehend it. When she’s old enough to understand the seriousness, I will definitely discuss such issues with her. Children these days need to know such stuff.
nmaha recently posted..Don’t Hide The Truth
I like this.. real.. important issues.. How great that you brought this up.. some children are sensitive and too much information or images.. give them nightmares.. My son is only 5.. I did not talk about it.. except to tell him where some of his friend Brady’s family lived there was an earthquake.. we read the book we shake in a quake….My son knows what death is.. we had a pet die.. and we had a funeral.. and buried him.. but we don’t talk about it a lot..IF the school brings it up.. I will follow up with stories..and conversations..but some things I wait for school to start. He did come home in February and tell me that Abe lincoln was killed while at the theatre… so he does hear about death.
this is a great post idea.. I might run with it…
lisa fogarty recently posted..Local women
I got some great tips from World Vision about how to talk to my kids about tragedy – I posted them on my blog here:
http://www.actingbalanced.com/2011/03/talking-to-your-children-about.html
I’m big on talking about everything with my kids and letting them direct the conversation as to how much they want to know.
Heather- Acting Balanced Mom recently posted..Taking time to reflect and recharge
My son is 2, so I’ve never really thought about this. That being said, I don’t usually shelter him from the truth. While not on nearly the same level as the tsunami, but our dog died last October. My son noticed he was missing and actually in the past month has been asking for Sarge. My husband and I explained to him that Sarge had died. Does our son really understand? Probably not, but we felt it was important to tell him the truth. When my son was born my husband was deployed. Even though my son was a newborn I did explain to him where his daddy was, what the Army is, what our troops do and why there are things like war. Once again, I know he did not understand, but I still wanted to be honest with him.
We probably won’t discuss the tsunami because of his age, but as he gets older and as he understands more things I will definitely be open and honest with my son. I want to be the one to start these types of discussions with him and not wait for a teacher or more jaded adult to start the conversation.
Mrs. Mootz recently posted..Turn Me On
Twitter: AccidentalDesig
says:
I wouldn’t sit a child, who had expressed no interest, down for a grave discussion of “life is not a bowl of cherries”. Neither would I refuse to tell the truth, at a level they can understand, to a child who seems concerned. So much depends on the age and maturity of the individual.
Maggie S. recently posted..Another Word for Mother
Twitter: decondemand
says:
I don’t have kids, but I was a kid once and I loved that my parents never had the news on or discussed world issues with us because I always felt safe and protected from the “world”. I see too many kids stressed out about every little thing at a way to young age and I just don’t think that is fair.
Marie Cole recently posted..Spring BreakTake a Breather
I concur with Beth’s comment – as awful as these moments are they are also a chance to reinforce lessons of compassion and charity with our kids. Of course you have to do it in an age appropriate way and based on the child; we live in the Bay Area and my 10 year old has been asking a LOT of questions about what we would do if a 9.0 hit here. As I keep reminding her, we have an earthquake kit and a family disaster plan, but this was a good reminder to stock up on supplies for the cars too, and she helped me do that. We also talked about ways we could help, and both kids have made contributions (the older one by texting from her cell phone, of course.)
On the other hand the girls were tiny when 9/11 happened, and I was massively grateful to not have to explain that to them since I had a hard time fathoming it myself. I remember being so worried about nuclear war in the late 70s, when I was in middle school, and telling my mom that she had no way to relate to my worries. She said, “Honey,WW2 happened when I was in grade school. Of course I can relate. Every generation has its perils, and we all manage to survive them.” That’s been a reassuring message to give my kids, as well.
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..Finding Fearlessness
I do talk about it with my children who are 3, 4, 6, & 8. They are compassionate and thoughtful. We pray as a family for those affected and they discuss ways we can help. I think this makes them more global and gets them outside of their own little worlds.
Sarita Edgerton recently posted..Guest Post Monday
We’ve had a hard time with this lately with my 12 year old son. Not only with the Tsunami, but one of the kids in his class killed himself last week. This was a kid he knew fairly well and one that he had a lot in common with, and I think it was the first kid his age he knew that had died, so it was really tough.
We had several conversations about it and the ramifications of it. You’d like to shelter them from things like that, but when it’s right in his classroom, there is no getting around it. We talked about reasons why the boy might have done it and other choices he could have made, and how devastated his parents and whole family were going to be over this. Even practical things like how difficult it would be to live in their house after the boy had died there, but how difficult it would be to sell it because people wouldn’t want to buy a house where someone had died. It was just a very tough conversation.
On the other hand, his Scoutmaster spoke about the Tsunami and mentioned that Japanese Boy Scouts were out there helping others and how proud he was of them and the hope that if something bad like that happened here, that our boys would know what to do to keep themselves safe and would be willing to help their neighbors after the event. I thought that put a nice positive spin on the whole situation.
Adrianscrazylife recently posted..This Aint Yo Mamas Charity Sale
Twitter: elizabeth_agd
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I think it all depends on what the issue is. Is it about an ill or deceased loved one or a world event? In either event I believe we should be honest. As some have mentioned already, age-appropriate is also important. I generally state the facts as succinctly and truthfully as possible and then ask if there are questions. For example, last week my grandmother (79 years old) “drowned”. She was revived but was in Intensive Care. I visited her and explained to my 3 and 5 year olds that she “stopped breathing while she was swimming and is now in the hospital so the doctors can help her get better”. This seemed to be enough truthful information without scaring them. As for world events, our world is preschool television and often I don’t even see the news for a few days. I limit television time and I’m not sure they are at an age where discussing such things would be beneficial. As we start to explore the world through books and they start to hear things at school or become interested in the news I will most definitely find out the facts (if I don’t already know them) and answer their questions again, as succinctly and truthfully as their curiosity demands. I hope that such honesty will build a trusting relationship with the children and myself and hopefully this will let them feel they can ask or talk to me about anything and know I will treat them with respect in the way I answer or help them through things.
More Than A Mom recently posted..Happy 5th Birthday- Ava
Twitter: fromtracie
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I think you should absolutely tell your kids about it. In age appropriate ways, of course. If your kids are old enough, you could get them involved in doing something…..a small fundraiser for the red cross would be great! But, if you don’t want to talk with them, and they are not hearing it anywhere else, that is your choice.
Important point—-if your kids are in school, and they are hearing about it there, you can not just not talk about it at home. You have to talk with them, make sure that they aren’t scared or anxious, make sure that they are hearing correct information and not wild rumors or speculation (that could be more scary than what is actually happening). You can not just sit back and hope that the teachers and kids on the playground will take care of this for you.
Tracie recently posted..Rape is Not Funny
Twitter: almostsinglemom
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Yes we discuss. Due to their father’s line of work. We discuss. I do not discuss the details but the overall picture, and in a way that they can relate to and understand.
Elizabeth recently posted..Foolish But Fun
I have really enjoyed reading this post and the responses. It’s hard to know where to start and when to stop discussing these things with young kids. I do believe they need to talk about it though.
Best wishes,
Natasha.
Natasha recently posted..For Japan With Love-Bloggers Day of Silence this Friday- March 18th
My oldest son is 4 and I haven’t discussed any of it with him. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve actually been very unsure of exactly what to say or how to bring it up. I too, agree that we shouldn’t make our children think that the world is a perfect place, but I struggle with what is age appropriate for him. Honestly I don’t even watch the news in front of him because I don’t want him hearing about robberies, shootings, and murders. I don’t want to scare him. It’s something I really should be thinking about more, but I really have a hard time with wanting to protect him…almost to the point that I’m giving him the impression that the world is a perfect place.
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My son is only 4. I have always believed in “Straight Talk for Straight Understanding” It’s something I’ve taken with me throughout life and I apply to my son. He’s a sensitive child. He understands death in his own way. For example, I have even told him that he shouldn’t run in the street. When he asks why, I explain that a car can hit him and he can die. He will go to heaven, but won’t be able to see Mommy and Daddy and everyone he loves for a long time. This came after him witnessing a child run in the street and narrowly miss getting hit by a car.
Maturity levels, age and even your child’s demeanor affect how you explain things to them. It’s ok to shelter your children and let them know they are safe, but you must balance it with the fact that life happens. There are bad things and people in the world. Don’t we warn our children about Stranger Danger? Why then would we not tell them and help them understand that a bad thing happened and people need help.
Let your child know that they can help. Because something bad happened, doesn’t mean that you have to be negative. I watched a video of the tsunami with my son. He was very upset. Not because he thought it would happen here, but because people lost their homes. He feels secure and safe enough to not even think that something may happen to him. Everything is a balance. I wouldn’t tell a 2 year old….but I think it’s ok to start dialog with children who are old enough to formulate opinions.
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We don’t watch TV during the week, so in some ways, my children are sheltered, but at 8 and almost 7, they do here about it at school. I let them take the lead. If they bring it up and have questions, I answer them and we discuss it.
The Girl, (6.5) is one of those children who freaks out and has nightmares assuming we are next for whatever has befallen the world, so our discussions include lots of reassurance and prayers. There are times, especially with natural phenomena, ie earthquakes, tornadoes, where I’ll go as far as to get a book from the library to explain it all.
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I think that it needs to be discussed with children but kept age appropriate. My little one is 8 now and she sees stuff on the news and hears about it in the classroom. I like to discuss it with her so that she gets my take on it before anyone else puts their opinion across. I do try and protect her as much as possible but I think that if I’m discussing it with her on a level that she understands and we can decided together how to help, then this is the best way for us. Some really interesting comments as well.
Emma recently posted..Comic Relief – Red Nose Day
I fully believe that you let the kids take the lead. My little ones (4 and 2) are really too young to have heard anything about the tragedy in Japan, so I don’t discuss it too much. My 7 year old heard about it at school and we did discuss what happened, what is happening, and what can we do to help.
I also think that no matter what the age, things like this can give us a reason to explore a different part of the world. Learn about the people, learn about the culture. I think that is powerful to be able to develop empathy later when they really can start to understand.
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I’m half Japanese and I spent most of my summers as a kid in Tokyo so I am fortunate to have been heavily influenced by the Japanese culture. I bring that up because one thing I remember as a kid is being very aware of earthquakes and tsunami’s and how to prepare. This was very much a part of the media, cartoons and presented in such a way that I was always empowered by it. I knew what they were at a young age. I knew I could be without food and water for a long time. I knew I might have to rely on candles at night and be without TV… and I also knew that I may have to help those in need if I am able. I also grew up in Southern California so I also was taught Earthquake drills as a kid… but honestly, the drills and random safety awareness weeks in the states really didn’t compare to the information I got from staying in Tokyo.
There was a big earthquake in Southern California when I was in school and I remember all the kids, faculty and parents freaking out. My brother and I were in the cafeteria eating breakfast… we were the few calm ones. We actually made some jokes as we got under the table. I remember consoling a friend who was in tears because she didn’t know what was happening. I felt sad for my friends at school but I don’t remember being scared… I do remember being frustrated because it happened on my birthday!
I’m a firm believer of telling kids like it is and creating positives in every situation no matter how difficult it may seem. Devastating things happen all the time that are out of our control but we have the ability to do something. That something can be as simple as wishing others well in their time of need or actively doing something to help. We have family in Tokyo still and we communicate daily with them. They are thankfully fine but many others aren’t. The wonderful thing about seeing Japan go through this is the strength, integrity and patience the country has as a whole. People are waiting in line for hours for gas, food or restroom facilities. Acts of humanity are countless. Crime isn’t overtaking the media but of course there is still crime. The good in people during almost incomprehensible times is seriously inspiring. So, why shelter kids from that lesson?
So please tell your kids about the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear problems… don’t filter the homelessness, loss or fear… make them aware of world issues and educate, empower and take away the fear of the unknown… but also tell them about how the Japanese are showing the world how things should be done during times like these.
I am of the mindset that it should be discussed if they start to ask questions. But, I’ve also found that most of the time, “Less is more” – so give them just enough to understand what is happening but I don’t think it necessary to elaborate in great detail about things. That might created an unintended anxiety. If they ask, I think talk to them about it.
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@Nicole, I think you are absolutely right! If they bring it up, answer the question while keeping in mind their age, and always remember that in some instances…less is more! When my 15 year old daughter was younger, she was usually satisfied with a one sentence answer. Now that one sentence answer gets me no where.
~Cris
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There is no correct answer to this question. Some parents feel it is necessary to tell their kids about whats happening around them, even if it is unpleasant; while some parents want to shield their kids from such news.
Personally, I feel it depends on your kids. Some kids take the news well, some can get scared, while some might be unconcerned. If you don’t know how your kids will react, you can try telling them comparatively less unpleasant news to check their reaction and then decide whether you want to go any further.
Alia
http://aliascreativelife.blogspot.com/
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I believe that you should tell your kids what happens in the world, both good and bad. They should know that bad things happen and everything is not always good, but as the parent you have to gauge how much of that information to give them. Older children will require a more in depth explanation than the younger ones. You also have to know your children, whether they would get scared if you tell them about the Tsunami or not. But the best thing is to use these natural disasters and any other news in the world, be it good or bad as a learning tool. Teaching them about the Earth, how earthquakes and tsunamis happen, disaster preparedness etc.
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I think that if your child asks, you should be open and frank, but if they don’t ask, then you don’t need to bring it up.
(At least, that’s my stance for kids who are under age 10-12. After that, it becomes part of their “dinner table” education.)
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